Ask Mr. Bill

In the year since this site was created, we have fielded many questions from parents regarding the specifics of their situation. Questions regarding the behavior of their son or daughter. Questions regarding their actions and reactions as parents.

In each instance, we have responded by offering support and advice, by explaining a particular technique or concept presented in The Adolescent Owner's Manual, by directing the parent to other websites or resources, and, on occasion, by referring the parent to a group or therapist in their area.

Do you have a question? Here is your opportunity to Ask Mr. Bill.

Simply write your question in the space provided below. Please be sure to fill in all of the spaces so that we can respond appropriately to your question. General questions, that have applicability to other parents, will be answered on this page. (Don't worry, your name and identifying information will never be shown!) Specific questions, relating only to you and your son or daughter, will be answered by email.

Got it?

Okay, ask away!

Dear Mr. Bill:

My situation is very similar to the scenario of the son coming home after curfew except he is 20 years old. What is the best way to handle a situation like this.

He has been at college for two years and has recently come back home. He uses foul langage and has no respect for me or any authority. His comment is..I am 20 years old, I can do whatever I want. We have rules in our house and his curfew is 12:00 however he comes home at 4:00 and 5:00 in the morning. I am losing sleep as a result approx. 2 nights per week. I work a full time job and cannot function without any rest.

He sleeps all day. When I try to discipline him...he is impossible to deal with. I have recently put him out. He has gone to live with my parents who have a real problem with me because of the decision I have made. He has been in and out of trouble since he was 18 years old. His father and I are divorced and I get no support what so ever from him. He has basically washed his hands of him. I am at my wits end and need answers. I also have a younger son at home who is being influenced heavily by his brother's behavior.

Thanks for your time.

Virginia, USA

Dear Virginia:

Good Morning!

I was sorry to read your email regarding your situation with your son. While not uncommon, this is a very difficult circumstance for us to be in as parents. Effectively, we're darned if we do...and darned if we don't! We need to keep asking ourselves, what is the best course for them in terms of their life...and what is the best course for the rest of the family. If we follow the answers to these questions, we will be hard pressed to make the wrong decisions.

Most importantly, I want you to know that I think your instincts and actions to this point have been right on the money. Your son needs to know that, yes, he is 20 years old and can do whatever he wants. But he can't do whatever he wants under your roof. If he chooses to remain in your home, he must live within your rules. And that means that he must be in at an acceptable hour, he needs to leave the swearing at the door, and he needs to comply with your other expectations as well.

At this point, I would encourage you to do two things. First, sit down and develop a complete list of expectations and consequences that he will be expected to live by if he is to remain living with you. In addition to dealing with the negative behaviors that you describe, those expectations should include positive things as well. Things like finding some direction in his life...securing employment...etc.

Second, sit down with him and present your expectations to him. At that time, you can advise him that, while you love him with all that you are and hope that he will continue living with you, your expectations are not negotiable and that, as an adult, he will need to decide for himself whether or not he can live with them. If not, then the two of you need to set a date for his moving out. If he chooses to live within the expectations, then you can tell him that you are pleased with his decision but that you are instituting a three strikes and you are out policy. From that day forward, if he comes in at an inappropriate hour on three more occasions, he will be forced to move out and he will not be permitted to return. Similar, although less catastrophic consequences can be established for other behaviors such as swearing. Once you have done this, the next step is to follow through! You have to let him see that you mean what you say and that his negative behaviors in your home are simply not going to continue and that he needs to pursue some positive avenues for his life.

In your email, you mentioned two other areas of concern.

In terms of his grandparents, I would encourage you to sit down with them and let them know what you are doing and why. If they don't agree with your position, you need to agree to disagree with them. How they chose to respond to that...say they let your son move in with them...is your decision. I think it is only a matter of time before they get to the same place that your are.

In terms of your younger son, I am always concerned when I see an older sibling getting into some difficulty as, invariably, it proves contagious. This is all the more reason that you need to take the steps outlined above. In addition to helping your older son start taking responsibility for himself, it will send a clear message to your younger son that such behavior is not acceptable. As this situation evolves, this is something that you will want to discuss with him so that he understands that, while you love his brother, you cannot, as a responsible parent, tolerate or enable behaviors that are detrimental to him, his life, and other members of the family.

I hope this helps. If I can be of further assistance, please don't hesitate to let me know.

Enjoy the Day!

God Bless,

Mr. Bill

Dear Mr. Bill:

I think your site is just great. I live in Canada I have a 17-year-old son who lies. He embellishes the truth to make his life look more interesting, and lies to me about small things as well as big things.

He has a great life from where I sit. He has more than most of the kids he hangs out with, he is an only child therefore he gets just about everything with in reason. Two months ago he started going out with a girl, this is his first serious relationship he has had. Now he is skipping school with her to come home while we are at work. From what I can gather they are sexually active. I have had all the talks with him regarding birth control and safe sex for STDs etc.

In school the classes he likes he has good grades, and one other class he is just passing. He doesn’t drink; smoke or do drugs and is very respectful to his teachers, other adults. The only real problem is his lying. He knows I catch him every time but it doesn’t seem to deter him. When he receives punishment for breaking the rules, I always say it is harsher because he lied, not so much for what he did. I take away his TV, Computer, Play station, Cell phone and he is also grounded.

I know in the grand scheme of things I have I am very lucky that’s all he is doing but I can’t tolerate it anymore. What more can I do? I try to tell him that no one wants to be around someone who lies all the time.

Thank you, please advise.

New Brunswick, Canada

Dear New Brunswick:

Thank you for your email and for your kind words about our website.

As to your question, in answer, I have three words for you: Consequences! Consequences! Consequences!

Based on your email, it sounds like your son has gotten himself into a habit pattern that is going to create some problems for him as his life goes on. I applaud the fact that you are trying to help him break this habit. I also applaud the fact that you are trying to give him consequences every time you catch him in a lie. What you are doing will work, you just have to find the right consequence...or, should I say, mix of consequences.

In my work, I always tell parent's that consequences always have to be twofold. There is a negative consequence for failing to follow an expectation. And there needs to be a positive consequence for fulfilling the expectation. In my experience, it is usually the combination of the two that effectively eliminate problem behaviors in our kids.

In terms of your son, let's look first at the negative consequences. You identified a number of negative consequences that you have tried to break this bad habit. You talked about grounding, taking away the TV, computer, PlayStation, and cell phone.

I have a question for you.

What is his Achilles Heel?

Almost every kid I have ever worked with had an Achilles Heel, a consequence that was guaranteed to get their attention. It could be losing their driving privilege, being grounded, losing their cell phone, having to do extra chores. It is something that is unique to each kid. What consequence does your son hate more than any other. What consequence "pinches" him the most? That is the consequence that you need to tie to his lying. Each and every time that he lies...even if there is no other infraction involved.

Just as importantly, let's look at the positive consequences. What happens when you catch him telling the truth? You need to get some things in place there! He needs to experience some very tangible positive outcomes as a result of his choosing to tell the truth. He needs to see that, when he is honest and straightforward, there is a benefit. I am not suggesting that you send him to Disney World or give him a hundred bucks every time you catch him telling the truth, but we need to come up with something that will offer him some positive incentive to really work at getting this bad habit under control. What does he like to do? What would he respond to?

While you didn't really ask about it, I would be remiss if I didn't encourage you to apply the same process to the new behavior that you described...skipping school and going back to your house with his new girl friend.

If you need clarification or I can be of further assistance, please don't hesitate to let me know.

In the meantime...

Enjoy the Day!

God Bless,

Mr. Bill

Dear Mr. Bill:

I'm wondering do you have anything regarding stepparenting?

New York, USA

Dear New York:

While, at this time, we don't have anything geared specifically for step-parents, The Adolescent Owner's Manual is designed with biological, single, step, adoptive, and even foster parents in mind. Over the years, I have had the opportunity to work with each type of parent and attempted to develop a program that effectively answered the questions and needs of each. If you have a specific question regarding step-parenting issues, I will be happy to take a look at it.

Enjoy the Day!

God Bless,
Mr. Bill

Dear Mr. Bill:
Greetings. I am the mother of three very bright children (8,10 and 12), one diagnosed with ADHD, one gifted and spacing in school (one teacher wants him assessed for ADD- he has impulse issues as well) and one who has accelerated (first to third).

They are always manipulating and challenging my authority. There is too much yelling and the boys speak very hatefully to me and at times each other. They aren't nearly as supporting as I thought they'd be of each other. They are good kids.

Is this book too over the top for my situation? I have mother's intuition that they are trending down a path that will not allow them (at least the oldest) to be the best he can be. He (the oldest) I think will live with many regrets as he grows to adulthood.

Thanks in advance for your time.

Massachusetts, USA

Dear Massachusetts :

Good Morning! I hope that this email finds you well.

First, I want to thank you for your interest in The Adolescent Owner's Manual.

Second, I must say that you have triggered some memories for me this morning. I grew up with four brothers and the oldest three, of which I am one, were spaced one year apart. Much of what you describe, the yelling, fighting, and challenging of authority, were a daily event in my house. My poor mother used to tell us that she hoped that when we grew up God would punish us by giving us children just like us! But we were good kids too. And we grew up to be very, very close. So much so that, to this day, we talk on the phone multiple times each week. And most summers, our families vacation together. Throughout each of our lives, we have each always known that, if we ever needed anything, we had only to pick up the phone and our brothers would be there. Ironically, sometimes all that yelling and fighting is a manifestation of a very deep love and caring. Something that, culturally and developmentally, is often very difficult for males to communicate.

Finally, as to the applicability of The Adolescent Owner's Manual to your situation, the techniques and concepts that it presents apply to any child or adolescent who is demonstrating some behavioral issues. Based on your email, it's design and content would assist you in effectively dealing with your sons fighting, their day to day interactions with you and each other, and even their school issues.

If I can be of further assistance, please don't hesitate to let me know.

Enjoy the Day!

God Bless,

Mr. Bill