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Raising
a
Teenager
is
like
trying
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jello
to
a
tree!
Parenting Teenagers Discussion Forum In facilitating groups for parents over the years, I have seen time and again the insight, suggestions and support that parents give to each other. It is far beyond what I, or any therapist I know, has to offer. In order to facilitate this same mechanism on our website, we have added a Parenting Teenagers Discussion Forum. Join us today!
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Ask Mr. Bill Continued...
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Dear Mr. Bill:
My son is 17 years old. He is very defiant and verbally abusive to me and his sister. He has been physically abusive as well. He has destroyed several walls and expensive things in my house. He has forged checks on my bank account which far exceeded what was in the account. He has lied and is not doing well in school. He has come at his sister with a knife and a friend as well.
He has been to court twice. Once when he attempted to cut my dtr and their friend and got 6 months probation. He has been the sole cause of us having to move out of two different rental houses because of his distruction of their property and mouthing off. He does not show any regret or remorse. He has recently went back to court for forgery and was given 1 year probation. MY 15 year old daughter cried when she saw that he was not going to be out of our home. I love him dearly. It breaks my heart to even think of his defiance.
Consequences has been that I have taken away everything he has. He has clothes, food, but not much more. He doesn't seem to care. He is 17 and I don't trust him enough to let him have a drivers license. This doesn't seem to bother him either. He is not on drugs. He has to be tested because of his probation. But he will drink any chance he can sneak it with his friends. He sneaks out of the house after I go to sleep. No one in our family smokes but he begs me to buy him cigarettes. When I say no he get verbally abusive and begins to destroy things. Like kicking my t.v. and throwing the remote..these are just a few things.
I have thought about going to the county attorney and asking he be taken out of my home. I haven't done it yet because my heart hurts when I consider it. But I must do something to help him. I must mention also that he has been in considerable counseling and I have taken him to a medical Dr., which says he may be depressed. But says he has no medical problems. The counseling seems to not
phase him. It has been about 3 years since he has been to counseling.
HELP What can I do?
What should I do?
Kansas, USA
Dear Kansas: Thank you for your question. Sadly, your situation is not all that different from that in which a great many parents find themselves. And like you, they are torn in two. On the one hand, you know that you can't continue living with things as they are. But at the same time, you love your son and can't bear the thought of losing him. At first glance, they seem like mutually exclusive end results. As such, we have to find a solution that, no matter how painful initially, offers the best hope of getting your son the help he needs...while giving you and your daughter the assurance of safety, stability and peace. In order to accomplish this, I think that you need to do two things. First, you need to make up your mind that, from this day forth, you will no longer tolerate your son's violent and aggressive behavior. By that I mean that you have to prepare yourself to call the police every single time that he escalates to the point that you fear for your property and/or for you or your daughter's safety. And then you have to follow through. He has to see that every time he starts breaking things or threatening you or your daughter, you are going to call the police and he will face the resulting charges and consequences in Juvenile Court. In my experience, the only thing that will stop his violence and destructiveness, is consequences. Consequences that are swiftly administered every time he lets himself get out of control. And, at 17 with a history of violence and aggression, those consequences can only come from the authorities. Secondly, you need to secure a great deal more support for yourself than it sounds like you currently have. You can accomplish this by contacting your son's probation officer and scheduling a meeting with him or her. When you subsequently meet with them, you need to tell them exactly what you have told me and request that the court assist you in both getting your son under control, and in making certain that he gets the help that he needs. In my experience, the court personnel will do everything they can to help you. In this case, that help will probably result in your son being arrested, either on a new charge or on a probation violation, and placed in your Juvenile Detention Center. Once he is safe and secure in that setting, they will be in a position to assist you in getting him an accurate diagnosis and ongoing treatment As I write this, I know that it will likely prove very difficult and painful for both you and your son in the near term. But I can't stress enough that this is what has to be and it needs to happen sooner, rather than later. Once he turns eighteen, he will move from the Juvenile System to the Adult System, and the likelihood of his receiving any real help diminishes significantly. I hope this helps. If I can be of further assistance, please don't hesitate to let me know. Enjoy the Day! God Bless, Mr. Bill
Dear Mr. Bill:
I am a grandmother raising a teenage grandson. I have legal
custody since he was 6 months old. Now the paternal grandmother and biological father are encouraging him to think about going to live with them now. They have been in and out of his life for the past 14 years and have never provided anything for him. As per legal system I cannot insist on him not being in contact with them, but I know that he is going through a lot of anguish and it hurts me that these people are thinking of this. How can I ease his concerns and emotions?
Texas, USA
| Dear Texas: What a difficult situation for a 14 year old boy to be in. And sadly, in our society, it is a situation that is all too common. I have two immediate reactions in terms of what you can do. And based on your email, I know you are already doing one of them. The first, and I think most important thing, is to constantly remind your grandson of your love for him and the fact that you have always been...and will always be there for him. Find ways to reinforce this for him each and every day. You are his anchor. And he needs to know, with absolute certainty, that no matter what happens, you will always be there. Secondly, at age 14, any change in custody would have to go back to court. While I don't know the court system in your area, I know that any Judge is going to have to weigh the lack of involvement of the other side of the family for all these years...as compared to all you have done. In addition, the Judge would give significant weight to your grandson's wishes. Based on the little bit that you wrote in your email, it sounds as if he may be considering giving this a try...but is worried about hurting and possibly losing you. I would encourage you, assuming that you are comfortable with the level of care and supervision that his relatives would provide, to let him know that you will support him, either way. And that one possible way to solve his dilemma, if he really wants to give this a try, is to set up some kind of escalating visitation schedule, (you could begin with a few hours, build up to an overnight, then to a weekend visit, etc.) that would permit him to make a sound decision as to whether or not this is something that he wants to do on a long term basis. By doing this, everyone would be in a much better position to evaluate as to whether or not this is a good idea...and he would be reinforced in his knowledge of your love and ongoing position in his life. I hope that this helps. If I can be of further assistance, please don't hesitate to let me know. Enjoy the Day! God Bless, Mr. Bill
|  | Dear Mr. Bill:
I have a son that is 16, almost 17 years old. We have had
issues with him and school since 7th grade. He is way behind in school
and does not think he will ever catch up and therefore does not care
anymore. He has gone to school no more than 2 days a week this year and now is quitting.
I want him to graduate and he says he does too, but cannot
or does not put forth the effort. The only one doing the work or effort
has been me...trying to get him up and etc. He is lazy or discouraged
or both. Should I just give up too and let him see the consequences ? He
has already been in trouble with the courts and nothing they have done
has helped his attitude. Until he figures it out himself nothing any
adult says seems to make a difference.
Thanks in advance for your advice.
Minnesota, USA
Dear Minnesota:
Good Morning! I hope that this email finds you well. I received your email a few moments ago and wanted to get right back to you. Unfortunately, your situation is not uncommon as a great many kids hit a point where they just give up on school. This is particularly true when they fall behind and come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what they do...they will never finish. In terms of your son however, you indicate a couple of different problems. First, he is way behind and feels that he will never catch up. Second, knowing this, he doesn't put forth any effort. While he says that he wants to graduate, it sounds like he is doing nothing to bring this about and is making it your responsibility to get him up for school and even then, is choosing only to attend on a sporadic basis. As such, the first thing that needs to happen is to determine why he is giving you this conflicting input. If he really wants to graduate, you need to see some effort on his part. If you and the school see some effort, there are a wealth of things that can be put in place to help him get caught up...tutoring, summer school, etc. If, on the other hand, he simply doesn't care, that is a completely different matter. Over the years, I have had the opportunity to work with a great many kids who felt that school wasn't important and effectively blew it off. Their thought process went something like this...I hate school...I want to drop out when I turn sixteen...mom and/or dad have to sign me out for that to happen...so I just won't do anything and they won't have any choice in the matter. I don't know if this is an accurate representation of what you are facing, but it sounds like it could well be. Fortunately, at sixteen, almost seventeen years old, you continue to be the major decision maker in your son's life. What do you want to make happen here? What do you need to put in place so that he can go on to have a healthy, happy, productive and fulfilling adulthood? Option A: He Needs to Stay in School and Graduate If possible, this seems to me to be the most desirable outcome. If you look at the numbers, a young person without a High School Diploma is really at a disadvantage in today's workforce. As such, if we want to keep him in school, we need to do three things. First, we need to establish a clear expectation that your son will be in school and attend and participate in all of his classes each and every day. With the expectation, we need to establish clear positive and negative consequences for his compliance or non-compliance. The consequences would start at home, extend to the school, and even to the local juvenile court as truancy is both a status offense and a probation violation. And the consequences, be they positive or negative, would then be imposed 100% of the time with no exceptions...and no excuses. While this may seem rather harsh...it sounds like it may well be precisely what he needs at this point in his life. We need to help him come to terms with the fact that, at 16, school is his job. And his attendance and participation is his responsibility...not mom's! Secondly, we need to look at why he has fallen so far behind and why school is such a struggle for him. Has he been tested to see if he has a learning disability? Are there programs within the school that he can be plugged into to facilitate his ability to succeed in the academic environment? Even for kid's without a learning disability, a great many school district's have programs designed to help them stay in school and graduate with their class. And thirdly, we need to find out what he want to do with his life? How does he want to support himself when he becomes an adult? Working with the school, there may be ways to tailor the curriculum to fit his interests. In my school district, we have a number of programs for kid's in this circumstance. In some cases, they are in class for so many hours a day...and get high school credit for working a job in their area of interest for the remainder of the day. In other cases, they get plugged into some type of vocational training where their school work takes on a more practical basis that is more suited to their interests. We need to see what options are open to your son at his school. Option B: Go for a General Equivalency Diploma A second option would be to require him to secure his GED and appropriate employment prior to his dropping out of school. To this end, he would need to take responsibility for determining what this entails in your district and then fulfill all of the program requirements. Only when he has done this, and maintained appropriate employment for three to six months, would you agree to sign him out of school. In a great many cases, I have worked with kid's who started down this path and quickly realized that the decision to drop out was a bad one. In doing so, they then find within themselves the motivation necessary to make Option A above, work for them. Option C: Sign Him Out of School The third and final option would be to simply sign him out of school. While this, to me is the least desirable outcome, some parent's choose this option. Here, he would be required to secure and maintain full-time employment prior to dropping out. I have seen some kid's exercise this option, and, after a few months, return to school or begin pursuing a GED on their own. In other cases, I have seen kid's get a job, drop out of school, and then quit or get fired from the job. At 16 or 17, this really places mom and/or dad in a difficult position as you are left with little recourse or leverage in terms of getting the young person on track and moving forward with their life. I hope that this helps you in your decision making process. If I can be of further assistance, please don't hesitate to let me know. Enjoy the Day! God Bless, Mr. Bill
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Dear Mr. Bill,
Our daughter appears to be following our rules, (curfew, calling to check in when out,not using substances,finishing chores) however, we know that she is using some substance, which is our primary concern. We have drug tested her, with negative results, but we know that she is still using because she wrote about it in her journal which was found and read without her knowledge. I actually read it this week, but the journal entry was dated two weeks ago. She thinks that she is re-establishing trust since we haven't outwardly discovered any rule infractions or poor decisions on her part. She would like some privileges returned that were taken away. How do we handle this when she appears to be doing well, but in actuality she hasn't changed the major behavior that we are concerned about?
Thank you for your advice.
Michigan, USA
Dear Michigan:
Good Morning! And thank you for the question.
First of all, it is apparent that you and your wife are doing an excellent job. Based on your email, there is no question but that your daughter is moving back in your direction. And that means that she knows that you are serious about the expectations and consequences that you have put in place for her. She is attempting to comply because she knows that she needs to regain your trust...and the corresponding privileges. In addition, as parents, you haven't let it rest there. You are still monitoring and verifying her behavior. A lot of parents will simply put the expectations and consequences in place and then trust the observable response of their child thinking that their job is done...when it has actually only just begun. I commend you on your effort.
As to what you do now that you know that she is still using, if you haven't already, do a "Fit Circle" for her drug using behavior. What are the drivers? What is supporting, sustaining and furthering her ability to continue to use in spite of everything you and your wife have put in place? When you do this, my bet is that there are a number of things that will jump out at you. First, either she is using a substance that you are not screening for or she is able to use and have the substance metabolized by her system before she has to submit to a drug screen. In cases like this, you can increase the substances that you are screening for and/or increase the number and randomness of the drug screens. Second, where is she getting the substance from? Who is she hanging out with? Who is she using with? It will probably be necessary to take a real long look at her friends and, if you haven't done so already, build in some expectations and consequences regarding who she can and can't be with.
Finally, in a case where a child continues to use, knowing that mom and dad are monitoring and drug screening them on a regular basis, she may have reached a point where she honestly can't stop using on her own. Has she ever had a drug and alcohol assessment? Has she been in any type of drug treatment program? Do they have any type of Intensive Out Patient Drug Treatment Programs in your area? I would recommend sitting down with her, telling her that you recognize and appreciate the effort that she is making but that you believe that she is continuing to use and that you are very concerned that this is no longer something that she can control. As such, as her mom and dad, you are going to require her to undergo a formal drug and alcohol assessment and then to comply with the subsequent recommendations of the Chemical Dependency Counselor.
My bet is that she will argue that she isn't using...that the clean drug screens prove that...and that she doesn't need an assessment. Your response is that you know she is trying and appreciate her effort but that you believe that she is still using and that some substances, such as alcohol, aren't screened for and others are metabolized so quickly that they simply don't appear on the screen. Based on this, you are going to require the assessment and that if she really isn't using, it shouldn't be a problem as that will be born out by the assessment.
If I can be of further assistance, please don't hesitate to let me know.
Enjoy the Day!
God Bless,
Mr. Bill
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